Why Is My Love A Sin?

I don’t think that I ever officially “came out.” But let’s just get that out of the way.

I’m gay.

I never made an event out of coming out because it was never really a big deal to me.  It’s something that has always been a part of me. All my life I’ve seen people who have come out and allow that to become their identifier. It’s almost as if every time they introduce themselves to people, they say, “Hi, I’m ____ and I’m gay.” I never wanted to become that person. Yes, I am gay. It’s a part of me, but it’s not who I am. I am also a student, a photographer, a friend, a child, and most importantly a Son of God.

Like I said, coming out was never really a big deal for me. When my friends started asking when I got into high school, instead of saying “no” I just started saying “yeah.” Most of them had an idea already, so when I told them I was, they just shrugged and we went along with our business. However it wasn’t always that easy. I definitely encountered opposition. As a freshman in high school, I had someone in my youth group message me on Facebook. They told me there was no way I could serve God and live as a homosexual, but they weren’t loving about it. They condemned me and made me feel worthless. I was 14. When I moved I was bullied pretty bad and I ended up having to transfer schools because of it. A few people stood up for me, but for the most part people ignored what happened until I was gone. I don’t blame any of these people, though. I grew up in the same culture they did; small West Texas towns aren’t always the most welcoming places. I knew and I still know the stigma that comes with being gay, defending people who are gay, so on and so forth.

All of these things along with moving from my hometown catapulted me into a very dark place. I stopped having a desire to go to church or build a relationship with God. I became depressed to the core and started drinking, partying, and self-harming to mask all of the pain I was feeling. For years, I lived life with my middle finger in the air and a bottle in the other hand. Along with partying, I was dating the wrong people and I encountered heart break after heart break. I never dealt with my pain and instead put my happiness in the people I was seeing, and when that ended, I relied on the alcohol to keep me going.

Finally, I left where I was. I got dumped and cut myself for the last time on July 27th of 2014. 20 days later, I packed up my things and drove 8 hours south to my new home. It’s been almost a year that I’ve been clean of self-harm. That problem is a whole different blog post, but I will say briefly that it is not easy. To this day I still battle with that addiction, and I believe that I always will. When I moved here, I wasn’t attending church but soon enough I felt a yearning for God. I found a new home in a church called Eikon, and shortly after I was baptized and involved in host team, a tribe (small groups) and trying my best to be a living example of Christ. You can read about how I found Eikon and the beginning of my journey here.

But I need to get to the heart of this post. I guess the honest reason I’m writing this is because it’s been a hot topic lately. With marriage equality being passed by SCOTUS, almost everyone has an opinion, and almost everyone is voicing that. Very loudly. Although there are some pretty hateful posts popping up from both sides, I’ve also come across some truly genuine posts that exhibit God’s love and have made me so happy to be a Christian. It’s rare to find someone who stands for love instead of condemning when things like this happen. Kelly Matlock, one of the pastors at my church, said something amazing two Sundays ago. In the Word it says

“By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:35 (NIV)

She explained that we won’t be known by what we condemn. People already know what we stand for. They need to know that we love. Which brings me to my big question.

Why is my love a sin? Why is my love sometimes seen as the biggest sin? That’s how it feels, anyway. I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. I understand why homosexuality is viewed as negatively as it is. There is a very specific culture around being gay. From gay bars to pride parades, being gay can often become over sexualized and lustful. However, that occurs in heterosexual culture as well. Strip clubs, the hook up culture of my generation, the pornography industry; these things are just as sinful as the lustful culture of homosexuality. But that is not love. And as a Christian, that is not what I’m after in a relationship.

Months ago one of my friends sat down and talked with me. They asked if I still identified as a homosexual, and explained that in their eyes we’re all born with tendencies towards sin. Some are born with at tendency towards alcohol, some towards drugs, others towards lust, and, in my case, born with a tendency toward homosexuality. Sin lies in whether or not we give in to those tendencies. Is that true? I’m not sure, but it makes a lot of sense. I do know, however, that I never made the choice to be gay. You may disagree with me on that, and that is your decision. But I’ll tell you – I would never in a million years choose this. I would never choose all that has come with being gay; isolation, depression, guilt, just to list a few. When I was not even a teenager, I would lay in bed at night and cry, praying to wake up normal. I hated myself. If I could wake up tomorrow with an attraction to women, I would take that in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I can’t. As hard as I try or have tried in the past, I’m just not attracted to women.

So where does that leave me in my walk with Christ and the things I’m looking for in a relationship? I’m not exactly sure. It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. On one side, there is what the Bible and everyone is saying – Gay is wrong. No if, ands, or buts about it. And on the other side, there are articles, historians, experts of the Word saying that there may be some wiggle room – the Bible was written in a very different culture where homosexual relationships were occurring between adults and children. Things were different. They weren’t in love. They were committing lustful sins. I’ve talk to so many people about it, but the thought at the forefront of my mind is that I would hate to take the word of man over the Word of God. that would be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

As of right now, I’m not dating. I’ve been single for almost a year. I decided when my friend talked to me that if God brought someone into my life and I felt like it was right, that I wouldn’t shut it down. But now that I’m a Christian, I have a whole new set of standards. I need someone who is involved in Church, grounded in their Faith, and wants nothing but to honor the Lord with a relationship. If I was straight, I would be seeking the exact same thing. I’ve come to the realization that I may never find someone like that. And if that is the case, well then that’s fine.

As far as how I view homosexuality – the Bible says a man lying with a man in the same way he lies with a woman is wrong. It also says a lot of other things are wrong. I had a friend tell me last week that the biggest problem they have with understanding homosexuality as a sin is that every single sin has a negative effect on the people around them. Stealing, murdering, lying, getting drunk – they all have the potential to hurt others. But a real relationship based on love and aiming to honor the Lord, even when between two men or two women, doesn’t have any negative effect on anyone. It doesn’t hurt anyone emotionally or physically if there is no type of abuse within the relationship. So I don’t 100% know how I feel about it. I don’t know if I ever will. All I know is that I love the Lord, and if I do ever get into a relationship I will do all that I can to honor God with and through that person.

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10 thoughts on “Why Is My Love A Sin?

  1. Whitney Schafer says:

    I just wanted you to know what an honor it was to be your teacher and how very proud of you I am! I miss our grocery store talks!

    Love ya kiddo,

    Whitney Greer Schafer

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Phyllis Wall says:

    I believe this is the most profound and honest testimony I have read. I’m blessed to call you friend. I have known since you were young that God had created you for something bigger than the average bear gets to experience. Holding you close as you determine each day who you will serve. I pray you will do the same for me. Love my wee-wittle bruther in Christ!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Michael Elias says:

    I know we never really talked much but this blog is extremely inspiring to me, it pushes me to be a better person and it pushes me to be inspiring to others

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lea says:

    Your friend is right when she says homosexuality is a sin – one in a long list of many others – that most certainly includes heterosexual sexual relationships outside of marriage as well. And all men have sinned and have fallen short of God’s standards. We all are running around trying to fill up these empty holes in us with anything that promises to sustain us. And everything fails. We are constantly looking at other people to measure our success or failures, and trying to measure our worth by what we see. All of us have a voice whispering in our heads that we are different. I think loneliness, depression, and anxiety are consuming us all. We all have pain screaming so loud in our heads, it has become a standard to drown it out by dulling our senses one way or another – sex, drugs, alcohol, perfection, accomplishments, cutting…whatever frees us for a moment… I have chosen to follow Christ. This does not mean I no longer struggle when I feel inadequate in this world’s eyes – I have to remind myself of what is true – that He desires me just as I am, struggles and all. Christ had freed me from so many of my struggles, but there are areas I still desire to fill up the wrong way. As I choose to follow Him, He gives me victory in those areas. When I fail, He does not write me off, but He does expect me to acknowledge my failure, to ask forgiveness and to rise again and walk. I have a dilemma though, with those who say maybe the Bible is not accurate for today’s time and people. Because I have fallen so many times personally and have lived for quite a long while now, I have learned not to trust my own judgment and reasoning over what the Bible says. If i am following this God, if I am His adopted child, I have to trust that He is who He says He is. That He can do what He says He can do. That He loves me and has my best interest at heart. I either want a God this big, or why bother with Him at all? Why would I follow a God that is not wise or powerful enough or to establish His word and call it God-breathed. Why would I follow a God that gives me a truth to set my life upon that is dated or less than accurate for all circumstances? I still think I know better in many areas or that I would have things different, but I know that my sight only goes so far, and God alone sees the whole picture. It is a scary thing, as men, to decide that one of God’s standards or lines in the sand is wrong and inaccurate. What criteria do I use to draw the line myself? Who draws the line? Each man will have a different idea. We all think the lines we draw will be good and fair for all, but all men have the same limited vision I have. I choose to follow God. I choose to believe that He is who He says He is, and that He is good. That means He is not only Father, but Lord – He rules over me. So far He has not failed me, and has been big enough for anything I have come across. He calls me to love, but to follow His truth. Oh, I will pray that you will continue to walk in victory in the love of your Father, That when you wake up at 3am, it is hope that fills you and peace from your Father God. That you will continue to follow Him as a child, and His love and life would be poured out through your life to those hurting around you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sr. Benge says:

    What a very well-written, raw, and level-headed post! It looks like life has dealt you many of the same challenges that so many GLBTQ youth sadly face. I still remember having a 9th-grade you in my class and hoping that you, in your new generation, would be spared undue hardship in the years to come. Nonetheless, hardships are part of growing. I find the messages in your writing to be ultimately empowering and exciting. I can only imagine the amazing soul that will look back on this post 1, 5, and 10 years from now, because you are very obviously on your way to being a stronger man by the day and developing an ever-stronger sense of self. Kuddos to you for how much you’ve already overcome. If my life has taught me anything, I know that I will never have all the answers to even the most fundamental questions like love, a higher power, and human nature, but in developing my own happiness, striving to be an ethical person, and remembering to be compassionate (to both myself and others), I feel like the best version of myself. I wish you so much happiness, love, and support in your future!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Tracy says:

    I love you son.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Aubrie says:

    Nate, I’m sorry you went through all of that, but I’m glad you overcame it. If you ever need anything, let me know! I’m so happy to have met you and know you! You’re truly an amazing person! I may believe a man and woman are suppose to be together, but if you’re happy, then I’m happy! I hope you find your soulmate one day and I hope you are loved unconditionally! You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be appreciated, and to live YOUR life the way YOU want without being put down. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. anonymous says:

    One of my friends shared your blog post, and I’m so thankful to have read it. I really needed this at this point in my life. God bless you 😊❤️

    Like

  9. Reblogged this on Grace and Identity and commented:
    Love this post. My dear friends Nate at Trust Without Borders writes honestly about his struggle with his sexuality and discusses with vulnerability his relationship with God. A great read and an insight into a real person with a real struggle. Love Nate, check it out!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Olga Quintana says:

    Love you so much. Continuing to pray for you.

    Like

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